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•   A BIANNUAL LITERARY MAGAZINE BROUGHT TO YOU BY DESI WRITERS' LOUNGE   •

Volume 7


Outside: Looking In - January 2011


Reportage

Jalal Habib Curmally

Written by
Jalal Habib Curmally

Jalal Curmally is a management consultant by profession, an aspiring writer by choice and wishes he was Batman. When he is not advising his clients on their businesses, laying waste to the forces of evil or devising world peace in his sleep, he delights in building and exploring worlds of his own design and in hunting for new targets for his questionable intellect. He is happily married and entirely undeserving of his loving wife. One day he will write that novel, he swears, because…BATMAN!

        
      
       
            
              

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On the Dock


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In which the author revisits his first love (toilet humor), reviews Greek philosophy, has fun with a thesaurus and answers the pressing questions of our times just because he can.

The days of being a bathroom philosopher are not behind me I’m afraid.

We interrupt this piece to get the obvious out of the way. Ahem…

Wow! You must have been a shitty philosopher!

What a crappy philosopher you were!

Way to use your head, Jay!

And etcetera etcetera.

I had to do that.

Right.

Moving swiftly on. I have attempted therefore to apply the ancient technique known to the ancient Greeks (It’s so old that even the Greeks looked at that technique and said, E FUCKIMUS MEUS DAYUM-US! THATSHITUS IS ANCIENTUS), called the Socratic Method. Simply put, or for those without the benefit of Wikipedia, the technique or method is an investigative technique whereby the truth is arrived at by asking a succession of guided questions. It goes something like this:

“Mommy, Mommy. Is he really my daddy?”

“Errr…Ummm…Why do you ask?”

See? This way the teacher does not actively ‘teach’ the student anything. By asking the student a question in reply to a question, the teacher instead encourages the intellectual growth of his charge. Right up to the point where the student gets fed up and whacks the teacher in the GROINUS TESTICULOUS.

Ridiculous.

But well. Never being content, and thinking that the ancient Greeks were full of shit and that I am not (I’m on the John! Duh! Why do you think YOU sit on the John? To fill UP with shit???) I have applied this question to the most pressing philosophical, social, cultural and political issues of our times and hopefully, arrived at some enlightening answers.

Mind Boggler Number 1: How long will it take the readers to get the image of shit flying UP their asses from the John to get out of their heads?

Sage Response: Why would I want it to?

Eternal Enigma Number 2: Why do Pakistani women always look like they sucked a lemon before they left the house?

Astute Observation: Have you seen the expression on the face of who they wake up to every morning?

Erudite Dictum: Have you seen their daughters?

Scholarly Truism: When was their last orgasm?

Ancient Puzzle Number 3: What does it mean to be a Pakistani and/or a Muslim in a world that grows increasingly hostile and xenophobic towards Muslims?

Incisive Retort: What is a fish?

Accurate Insight: So how long does it take to process a green card?

Tentative Query: How do you spell Ass-I-LUMS?

Learned Truism: Have you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior?

Convoluted Riddle Number 4: What is the secret behind the phenomenal pop culture success of Twilight?

Sarcastic Sagacity: What do I look like? Fucking Einstein?

Acerbic Prudence: How much does that franchise suck anyway? (Get it? Suck?)

Learned Dictum: What is the speed of hormones running through teenage girls at the speed of ‘eek’?

Modern Mystery Number 5: Why are men such pigs?

Wise Inquiry: If a bitch is slapped and there’s no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Scholarly Axiom: Where’s my dinner?

Puzzling Paradox Number 6: What is the essential nature of ‘Denial’?

Precise Post Mortem: How old is Meera?

Cultured Criticism: Is Meera married?

Difficult Dilemma Number 6: How do we get rid of Asif Zardari?

Concise Conundrum: How long will it take for his teeth to eat him?

Pristine Puzzler Number 7: What is the essential nature of ‘Courage’ and ‘Moral Rectitude’?

Deductive Adage: Did you just say rectum?

Cerebral Corollary: Can you see Uranus?

Quintessential Question: What is a computer screen?

Prototypical Probe: What is the color of black when your eyes are closed?

Questing Query Number 8: What is the cure for all that ails Pakistan?

Precise Pondering: Can you say Vee…Zaah?

Backbreaking Brainteaser Number 9: How do we end terrorism?

Incisive Inquiry: How long is the traffic jam at security check points?

Penetrating Paradox: What is the sound of silence?

Measured Musing: How does one live in fear?

Wanton Wondering: If a body lies burning on the road on Geo TV, does it make a smell?

Modern Mystery Number 10: What’s really going on??

 

 

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